I Suffer in Silence

Even now as I’m writing this blog, I’m crying. It’s weird how feelings like this can manifest from a person that seems happy during the day. But, when nightfalls, a whole new person comes out.

Why do I let these emotions control me?

Why don’t I talk about how I’m feelings to those around me?

Because I’m scared.

Scared to accept the fact I’m not happy with myself as a person right now.

That is why I suffer in silence. I have anxiety and panic attacks mostly when night falls. There are times where I’m in the bathroom crying, and I don’t even know why I cry but I just do it. Crying makes me feel a little better. My sleep schedule has been so horrible lately, not even taking sleeping aids help.

If only there was a way to take these feelings away from me for good. I hate making those around me worried.

Writing is once again my only escape from this haunting feeling in my chest. I would never wish this type of feelings to my worst enemy.

This stuff happening constantly is just so draining to my body, and with everything happening still in the world, being home all the time doesn’t help how I feel at all.

I know I need to stop being so scared. It’s just easier said than done.

~Marisa Rae

Why I Blog

I know it has been sometime since I’ve posted any blogs on here. With everything that is going on in the world right now it is hard to find time to clear my mind, and post something that it from the heart. If you’ve been following my blogs for awhile now, you know everything I post comes from my feelings. If I’m not feeling right, then I’m not going to post anything. Just want to always be 100% honest with those who view my blogs, which I thank those who have been with me since I started my blog almost 2 years ago now.

To those who always wondered why I started to blog here’s why. I was 20 years old at the time, and I had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship that looking back at it now it was just very toxic. My ex had cheated on me not only once but twice, and both times I decided to take him back because I believed people can change if given the chance to change. Obviously now I don’t exactly believe that anymore, but y’all get the gist of it. I was just a young 18 year old at the start of that relationship that thought I was going to be with him forever, and at some point all of us have gone through that. When we ended things, he still wanted to be friends, and as much as I wanted that in that moment I knew it wasn’t a good idea. As anyone else would do I blocked him on everything, and told myself I needed to distract myself from that pain I was feeling.

So there I am at work sitting at my desk, with nothing to do, it was a super slow day, and I decided to google “hobbies to help get over heartbreak”. Some of the things on the list were cloud watching, collecting, painting, and yoga. Which by the way I do love yoga, and I actually do paint so if y’all are ever interested in seeing some of the things I’ve painted please comment and I will post some of my paintings in another blog. But back to the story, one of the things that caught my attention was actually photography at first, so I gave that a shot and it honestly only lasted a week or so for me. The other one that had caught my attention was Blogging. Another fact about me is I’ve been writing a book for the last 4 years that I have yet to even get close to finishing, and I don’t even think I’m half way through with it.

Writing is what helps my mind relax, and escape from all the troubles I’m dealing with. Now I know that’s what everyone says typically if they decide to be a blogger, but it’s the truth. If you ever take the time to write down how you’re feeling, and after you’re done whatever was bothering you to begin with is no longer an issue. Blogging is my escape. I’ve met really great people on here, we email here and there about blogs or help each other out. The blogging community is like a huge family. When I first started to blog I didn’t care how many followers I got, or how many likes I got on my posts. If you didn’t know this but we can see from our side how many people viewed our posts, and seeing even one person viewing my post would make me extremely happy. I’m very grateful for even the little things in life because I just always aim to be happy as much as I can everyday because you never know what could happen.

I’m still young. I got so much to learn. I got a lot to experience still. I’m just happy that I have people that support me, I’ve made friends on here as well which I didn’t expect to happen. I’ve even inspired people to blog just from them reading my blogs, do you know how mind blowing that is to me? When they told me that I was just so shocked and thankful at the same time. Because of those I’ve inspired, that is why I believe I should only put my blogs out there with my true feeling, not just type up something quickly to post, and hope I keep my followers that I currently have. That’s just not the way to blog at all.

I know I have said this many times before on my blog but yes I am officially back from my break on the blog. I’m sorry to those who have been waiting for me to post something, just know I’m always available through email, and I try to respond to those as fast as I can.

Also one last thing, I wanted to give a nickname to my followers, so if you have any suggestions let me know in the comments or email me whatever works for you.

Once again thank you for all the support.

~ Marisa Rae

  • Some Changes…

    Hello everyone,

    I’m so sorry I haven’t been posting many blogs lately. I am slowly getting more ideas on what to write about, and how to strengthen my writing skills for my lovely viewers. Which by the way thank you for everyone who likes my posts, and leave a comment, please give my blog a follow I love to get new followers on my blog.

    So what has been a huge struggle for me? Money. Yes, everyone loves money. We all need money to survive, and get things we need. I do still have a job, don’t worry guys I’m not jobless. A little about my job is that I work on my school campus, and when we closed for winter break which was about for 3 weeks I wasn’t working at all those 3 weeks therefore I wasn’t getting paid at all. It couldn’t have been helped because of the fact my work was closed for vacation, and yes I did enjoy my vacation despite having to be tight on money because around this time also I hadn’t gotten any Christmas gifts yet. For everyone who knows my struggle, I am right there next to you dealing with the same issues.

    Now with the new school semester starting now, I’m back at work and I admit to myself I actually did miss working while I was on vacation. I’m back on track with my job, and money isn’t the issue anymore. But, while I was dealing with that issue it made me start to appreciate the things in life that I’ve always had but never had truly taken it into realization. For example, when I was low on money my mom would send me money to put into my account and it was just enough to last me until after the new year. I didn’t ask her to do that, but she did it because I’m her daughter and she didn’t want to see me struggle like that. It’s a thing that only a mother can understand, and it’s also a mother’s love to their child.

    No matter how much another person may be struggling, they will always be there for others who need help as well. We all have struggles, and I admit I’m a typical broke college student that’s going to school to one day become a Pediatric Nurse. I know well I’ll have more struggles like this one day, I know I’m going to cry my eyes out at times, and lastly I know despite all of that my mom will still be there helping me as much as she can.

    Don’t take family for granted. Always be there for each other.

    Living Your Life

    Has there ever been a time in your life, that you felt like you just HAD to live your life the way others wanted? I’m sure all of us can relate to that.

    As you age, you mature, and during those years you also gain knowledge about life from those around you or from personal experiences. Only you can live your life how you want it, many may feel pressured to live their lives how others want them to, and are afraid of what may happen if they go against those orders. But, we fail to realize that we wouldn’t be happy with our lives if we don’t live them the way we want to. We’ll only be existing but not actually living.

    Those who want you to live life a certain way will be upset if you start to live it how you want to, and eventually they will get over that feeling. Despite how they may act towards you, they will always love you, and only want what is best for you. You’ll be success in some shape or form, maybe not in there way, but in your way you will be successful, and be happy with how life is going for you.

    Keep that feeling of happiness close to you. Never compare someone else’s success to yours, everyone is successful in their own way. Don’t rush things. Take your time. One step at a time. You got this, one day you will be looking back to these days as an easy patch in your life, and be thankful for everything you went through, because in the end it gave you nothing but blessings.



    Ft. Lilia

    Instead of bringing people down, we should be helping them rise up. If they can not rely on themselves, they can at least rely on us. We are all here to support each other, and there are times when someone in our lives really just need someone by there side to remind them of the self worth they have. Because sometimes we all get a little lost. Our society plays a huge role on empowering each other, there are many people in the world who tend to give up, or they compare themselves to someone which is something I’m also guilty of. As hard as it is, you must always remind yourself of the worth you have, and never forget that the people you surround yourself with will never leave your side. People come, and go, But, the ones who stay are the ones you want to keep with you, because when you start to feel down, they will be there to empower you to be a better image of who you are now. And that is the best thing someone that close to you can ever do. My dear fellow blogger friend Lilia, who also gives very powerful messages with each of her blogs had something to say about this topic as well,

    “You empower yourself by empowering others”

    “We are all born from the same soil, made from the same water, birthed on the same planet, and share the same unique experience of life. We are born under the same sky, the same sun, the same moon. We are all worthy of living this life given to us. Whoever says that there isn’t enough room for every one of us to shine is simply ignorant. There is enough room for us all, there always has been and always will be. We have two hands for a reason, one for helping ourselves and the second for helping others. Blowing someone else’s candle doesn’t make yours glow any brighter, therefore why not fix another queens crown if you have the chance to? We rise by lifting others. People think they are better than other people. But in the end, we are all people. A person who walks with his head raised high and his pride to the sky, is the same as the person who shyly hides behind the corner. An example to prove so? They both run as fast as they can when it rains, head to the ground, not wanting to get soaked while looking for shelter. It’s funny how even the universe doesn’t like these kinds of people. The beauty of empowering others is that your own power is not diminished in the process. And always remember that “how you make others feel about themselves says a lot about you.” -Lilia

    Please be sure to check out Lilia’s blog, P O W E R F U L, you won’t regret following her blog and you will get a lot of good advice off of her posts.


    Giving yourself time…

    When a person is going through a tough time in their lives, they have a lot to re discover about themselves, and learn how to cope with those feelings they have inside. It has never been easy to do, people want changes in themselves to happen now instead of taking a long period of time. But, it takes time to heal a physical wound, and it might take just as long to heal yourself.

    Time is key. Over that time period, you as a person don’t have to wait around for changes to happen. You can start making those changes now. Making yourself better is a great thing a person can ever do, and it helps you bring out those feelings you thought you may never feel until you’re happy again one day.

    Yes, we do have a lot of time but, do we really want to waste it on sitting around and waiting for time to heal us? No. Taking action, and making changes as soon as you start to have any negative feelings is the way to go.

    Not everyone is perfect. Nobody asked you to be. Therefore you don’t need to be perfect. It’s okay to not be okay, as well as it’s okay to feel a little lost sometimes, I know I still do at times.

    Think positive, and be positive. Don’t give into those negative feelings, because they won’t do you any good at all. We don’t have a limited amount of time to heal. But let’s not use our whole time waiting around.

    Be patient with yourself. Never give up on yourself. I promise you that you won’t always feel the way you currently do, it’s only a temporary thing.

    Trust the process. It’ll all be worth it in the end, trust me, you’ll be a brighter person, and you’ll look back at these issues only as stepping stones to making you a greater person.

    And always remember, self love is the best love you can ever give yourself.



    The word healing has different forms. It can be healing from a physical wound, or healing yourself. I’ve done both, but more healing myself than a wound I got.

    Isn’t it crazy how someone can change you in such a positive way? But if they suddenly leave, you’re just stuck with picking yourself back up. Everyone heals differently, and at different speeds. Personally when I realized I didn’t have that person to talk to anymore that really scared me and I got that lonely feeling which also gave me horrible anxiety for the longest time. But I knew I could pick myself back up, make myself a stronger person mentally and psychically.

    Hang out with family and friends more. Talk about how you’re feeling with anyone you trust, never bottle it up. Make sure you still try to eat 3 meals a day, get at least 8 hours of sleep every night, and try to get a little exercise in. Never keep yourself cooped up inside the house all day, as much as that may seem to be the best thing to do it really isn’t, trust me I know the pain.

    You have to rediscover your love for your everyday life. You got so used to having someone by your side that had promised to always be there to show you how beautiful life can be when you two are together. Just because you may not have that person by your side doesn’t mean life isn’t beautiful anymore. If anything it just shows you how much life has to offer you everyday, and once again you’ll find the beauty in everyday life.

    Yes, it’s going to hurt and you’ll start thinking about where it all went wrong. Yes, you’ll start to blame yourself, and think what if’s. But, in reality you did everything you could and it had nothing at all to do with you. Focus on your self love. It’s what makes a person shine so brightly. Everyone deserves to have self love within them.

    At the end of this healing journey, you’ll look back at the struggles you once faced thinking it was your nightmare, and they will become your stepping stones to a path that’s something grater for you. Take that path and never look back at the past,

    You’re not your past self anymore, you’re a new person that has new love for yourself. Pain doesn’t last forever, neither do we, so take care of yourselves and your bodies.

    As my boyfriend would tell me. “If you’re breathing and alive, you are WINNING.”

    So let’s all win together.

    Stress Free

    Lately I’ve been focusing on myself more than I ever have before, and by doing that I had to make some small changes in my daily life.

    Firstly I increased my water intake, I used to not drink a lot of water and on two different occasions I’ve been to the doctor and they had to put an IV in me so they can re hydrate me. I wasn’t much of a soda drinker, but I’m a huge coffee drinker and I had to cut back on that because I noticed coffee would make my anxiety rise. Now, I drink about 5-6 bottles of water throughout the day, and I’m always refilling my cup with water at work during my shifts. Along with controlling my portions sizes when it comes to eating, and in taking more fruits when I need something to satisfy my sweet tooth.

    Secondly I take my daily vitamins every morning, when I got blood work done last year my doctor told me the iron in my body was very low. So, I wanted to make sure I got the vitamins I needed, and I know I’m not old but I’m also not as young as I used to be therefore vitamins is a must for me now. I went onto care/of.com, they have you take a quiz about your body, and what you’re looking for in terms of what you need for your body so in my case that was for sure iron. They send you a monthly supply of the vitamins, and there’s no shipping fee.

    Lastly, working out a little more. I’m not trying to be all muscular but currently I’m at the heaviest weight I have ever been in my life, and now I’m starting to get back to the weight I was once before.

    While going through all this I’ve noticed I sleep better at night, and my anxiety doesn’t exist anymore. A lot of my stress has been lifted from me and now I feel like I’m living a stress free life now. Take care of your body, because you only get one body.

    ~Marisa Rae

    Deep Affection

    Meeting people is something everyone does. But, coming across that person that is just different from anyone else that you have ever met, not everyone can do that.

    Anyone can make you feel emotions but it takes one special person to really bring more out from you than just those feelings alone. They bring out the real you at the same time, no one should ever feel like they have to hide how they really are around their significant other. Be around the one that makes you forget the suffering you’ve been through, the one who brings sunshine on your most cloudy days.

    People like that don’t come around everyday, and if you’re able to find that person early on in life, you’re very lucky because for some they may have to wait years until they finally meet that person.

    If they make you feel some sort of way that you’ve never felt before, that’s Deep Affection. A strong, beautiful feeling but also can be terrifying. Feelings can get stronger as time goes on, and it becomes so strong you don’t know exactly how to handle it. You’re not the only one who would feel how strong they are because I’m sure the other person will feel the same way as you do. Together the two of you can carry the weight of those feelings. Attachment can happen, but don’t fret away from it. Let what you feel take over because it won’t do you any wrong, only good will come out of it.

    Follow what your heart and mind tell you to do. Nobody else has the right on how you should live your life, that’s something only you can do for yourself.

    Look back at the memories you’ve with this special someone, don’t you want to make even more memories with them?

    ~Marisa Rae